The Critic
Intelligent Hostile Faculty-oriented
Uh-oh, looks like your professor has overgeneralized Plato’s explication of the divided line again. Well, someone’s gotta properly express the nuances between the formal nature of objects and their empirical representation to the rest of the class, and it’s clearly not the guy writing the syllabus. Good thing you did the readings for today. Twice. It's easy to get your readings done when no one ever wants to be around you.
The Persecutor
Intelligent Hostile Peer-oriented
You live and die by “rigorous inquiry.” Nothing gets past you. Whether you’re in HUM, SOSC, or the dining hall, you never fail to imperiously snark, “define your terms!” at unsuspecting “opponents” when your arguments inevitably lead you into trouble. You’re the guy who’s up debating free will at 4 am because you couldn’t let that shy, quiet kid in your SOSC class get away with assuming the incompatibility of Newtonian determinism and Sartrean freedom. Nice save!
The Asshole
Intelligent Hostile All-inclusive
Congratulations! You’re the flagship That Kid. Your peers roll their eyes whenever you speak and your professor is tired of your bullshit. But what do they know? They didn’t read the collected works of Hegel in German. They all know you did, though, because you’ve mentioned your summer reading list in class 18 times. You’re a natural-born leader, and you embody the gifts of charisma and confidence. You’re such a leader that your own professor is intimidated by you. That’s probably why he left that snarky comment on your transcript.
The Guest Lecturer
Intelligent Non-hostile Peer-oriented
Lots of the material in the core is difficult and thorny. Good thing there is a highly qualified individual in the room prepared to lead these bewildered undergrads to understanding. You! Your role is to bring outside sources, brilliant insights, and a benevolent pretentiousness to the class discussion. The professor is there to answer questions and guide conversation, but only if you don’t get there first. Your leadership and insight are likely to move the discussion to a higher plane and to move you to the farthest corner at house parties.
The Disciple
Intelligent Non-hostile Faculty-oriented
Barack Obama once said that “to become God is the loneliest achievement of them all.” Think about that while you’re deifying your already lonely and clinically depressed Math 151 graduate lecturer. You don’t walk from class to class, rather you migrate from temple to temple, worshipping at the altars of those who inhabit the mystical plane of Ph.D. Like some sort of amoeba, you hungrily engulf without question everything these exalted Professors say. While you’re basking in the light of the these all knowing divinities, make sure not to be too obsequious lest your classmates get their eyes stuck in the backs of their heads. You’re pretty pathetic, but at least your prof likes it when you bring their exact starbucks order to office hours.
The Uninvited Philosopher
Intelligent Non-hostile All-inclusive
Socrates’ peers forced him to drink a cup of poison hemlock. He fucking deserved it. You merit a similar fate. From the moment you glimpsed the Forms in the first week of HUM, you have insufferably dragged your compatriots toward enlightenment against their wills. You have all of the answers, you fear not the great questions of existence, and you sleep easily at night, knowing your place in the universe. It’s also probably why you’re the only one in your bed.
The Heckler
Unintelligent Hostile Faculty-oriented
First of all, you suck. It’s likely that you are not just a That Kid, but that you are also a thoroughly pernicious individual. Nobody enjoys your smirks, scoffs, and guffaws when the professor writes h instead of ħ. You should have listened to your mother when she said “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything.” Since you didn't, we’ll say it to you again: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything or your professor will dock your participation grade and your classmates will rise as one and slay you.
The Brute
Unintelligent Hostile Peer-oriented
You didn't do the readings, but one of your peers said something stupid. You are saved. This idiot said just enough to clue your hungover mind onto what exactly should be said. All you have to do now is utter the magic phrase: “I’d just like to push back against that.” Participation grade saved. Now you can go back to pretentiously scribbling delta epsilon proofs with large handwriting so that your peers can see that you are A.) Very Very Smart, and B.) too cool for SOSC.
The Flailer
Unintelligent Hostile All-inclusive
Gambling addicts believe their next big win is just around the corner. You are pretty much the same. You’re going to get that next question right, and you’ll finally be able to tangentially relate your knowledge of greek mythology from the Percy Jackson Series to the Euthyphro dilemma. However, just like the gambler, you are wrong. But that won’t stop you from trying again and again until your dignity is spent. If your peers are wincing, it’s not because it’s a bright Thursday morning and bar night was lit. It's because your dumbass comments elicit a physical pain response.
The Rambler
Unintelligent Non-hostile All-inclusive
You did the reading and have a lot of thoughts. Scratch that, a fuck ton of thoughts. Actually, more like a large agglomeration of notional fancies. You may almost have mastered the art of thinking out loud but you aren't quite Ed Sheeran and so you should probably stop which is not to say that all speech is bad of course but it is important to note that we don't think you will have any chance of getting laid if you don't stop talking which is not to say that your mountains of fluff don't contain any diamonds in the rough but what we mean to say is SHUT THE FUCK UP!
The Tryhard
Unintelligent Non-hostile Faculty-oriented
You never got your parents' approval, so now you try desperately to win your professor’s. Surely raising your hand all the time, nodding like a bobblehead on a backroad, and hogging their office hours will win them over! You come prepared for class with every text on the syllabus compressing your spine, polychrome notes that would make a Pantone rep jealous, and an insufferable willingness to learn and participate. You are like an F-22 raptor. A lean mean academic machine. You’re prepared to blast your professor’s socks off. Only instead of an F-22, you’re more like a drone running Windows 2000. You are an object of awe, pity, and schadenfreude as the professor smiles politely and says “Mm-hmm, anyone else?” Too bad life rewards results rather than effort.